Today, a good friend said: “Why did she not agree to be with me even though I gave her so much?”
I asked him what he did to pursue the girl, and he said: “I sent her good morning and good night messages every day, and I have persisted for half a year. But she only replied three times, and twice she asked me not to send messages. Do you think this girl is too greedy?”
After listening to his story, I know that he is in the state of “self-touching love”, thinking that he has given a lot, but the other party does not need it at all.
Your love is not here, you should look for it somewhere else.
People with this kind of “self-touching love” mostly stand from their own perspective and give the other party the love they think; they don’t know how to think from the other person’s perspective.
And this kind of “self-touching love” will make both parties feel very uncomfortable. When others don’t appreciate or respond, they start to blame each other.
However, “self-touching love” is often prone to step into the abyss step by step in the self-expectation, turning “love” into hatred, making people around feel “dumb and unable to speak out their pain.”
Ⅰ.Why step by step into the abyss?
1. Living in the world of self
I have a female student Vera who came to me to redeem her boyfriend. I learned about their past relationship. It turned out that when Vera was with her boyfriend, she felt that her boyfriend was not motivated enough, so she often asked him to work hard, bought him a lot of books, and taught him how to get along with leaders and strive for promotion. At the beginning, the boy also listened to the girl’s words and worked very hard, and gradually the boy became more and more silent. Later, Vera was worried that he would be led astray by others, so she didn’t let him get too close to “drinking and eating friends”, which scared the boyfriend’s friends and gradually alienated him consciously. In the end, the boy felt that he was not suitable for Vera and chose to break up. Vera cried when she talked about these experiences. “I have done so much, why doesn’t he understand how good I am? Isn’t he moved?”
This visitor is also trapped in “self-touching love”, living in her own world, thinking that teaching men to be motivated is loving men. Men are taught by their mothers since childhood, controlled by teachers at school, and controlled by bosses at work. Now they have girlfriends and are controlled by women, but men don’t like to be preached at all.
What men need is to be recognized, supported, and accepted. He needs apples, but you insist on giving him a basket of pears. If he can’t finish eating, he will be beaten. Who can be moved?
Self-touching love is just living in your own world.
In a relationship, you give a lot, give the other person what you think is right, and tell the other person what you think is the most right way, but this kind of kindness to him is blind and unconscious, and you have never thought about whether the other person really needs it, so you think the relationship is very deep, but the other person often does not have the same feelings, and even wants to run away.
2. Losing yourself
When a person is addicted to “self-touching love” and is rejected by the other party, he will put himself in the position of a victim and start self-attack and self-doubt.
During the second consultation, Vera cried and said, “I have done so much but I can’t move him. I feel like a failure. What is the meaning of life?”
At this time, Vera pinned her self-worth on the recognition of others. If what she paid could be recognized by the other party, she would be valuable. If the other party did not accept or rejected it, she would feel that she was useless and her life was miserable.
In fact, everything is just her own performance, creating the illusion of infatuation, but there is no love at all. Emotional problems are tiring? Apply for emotional diagnosis in 10 seconds!
A good love experience helps us understand ourselves better and grow better. If we lose ourselves in love, it is because we don’t understand ourselves and have not found our own value.
Teacher Bi Shumin said:
“Life has no meaning, it is us who live out the meaning.”
The meaning of life lies in our understanding of life.
Everyone can live out their own value and give meaning to life. In a relationship, whether the other party loves you or not, you will have your own value.
Life is multi-dimensional, with feelings, health, career, hobbies, etc. Even if love is not very smooth, it cannot deny the meaning of life itself.
3. After over-giving, “love” turns to hate
When a person is in “self-touching love”, he thinks that he loves the other person sincerely and can even sacrifice his life. When he does not get a response, he will think that he has sacrificed a lot for the other person, and will take his fantasy as a fact, exaggerate his own efforts, and then easily attack the other person.
At that time, Vera said, “Teacher, if he gets married, I want to go and smash the place. Why should he be happy!” Xiaomei began to think that this was the fate of her ex-boyfriend, and felt that her ex-boyfriend did not deserve happiness.
At this time, Vera’s “love” has turned into hatred.
“Love” and hate, between one thought.
Sometimes, you think you love, you love, sometimes you think you don’t love, you don’t love.
Everyone is in the process of change. We can love or not love, but there is no need to “resent”. Once “resentment” occurs, people can’t help but want to retaliate and take some aggressive actions, which will push themselves into the abyss.
We think we understand him very well and give him what he wants. We think that loving someone means being open-hearted and giving everything to him.
The more we give, the easier it is for us to have expectations. We want the other person to do what we expect and unconsciously want to control the other person.
Love is not possession, but respect and giving.
Everyone is an independent individual with different needs and choices.
Ⅱ.How to avoid falling into “self-touching love”?
1. Love yourself and then love others
No matter how deeply we love someone, we should not lose ourselves. We find our own value, love without expectation, and do “what he is, not what I want”, which is true love.
True love only belongs to those who truly know how to love themselves. On the basis of loving themselves, they give the extra love in their hearts to the other person.
The part we give is what we give willingly. As for whether the other party will respond, it is the other party’s choice. We do not expect or judge, and allow the other party to have his own choice.
In a relationship, the state is mutual affection. If we have not received a response, we can also leave tactfully, part ways and live well.
2. Know how to think from the other’s perspective
There is a kind of coldness, your mother thinks you are cold.
There is a kind of hunger, your mother thinks you are hungry.
Even your own biological mother may not understand the needs of her children.
There are no two identical people in this world, and everyone has different personalities and ideas. In love, we need to think from the other’s perspective and understand what the other person really needs. This process is “discovering his needs”.
Then the next step is “meeting needs”, satisfying him in the way he wants, not in the way we take for granted.
For example, if the other party needs quietness, we know how to leave space for him. If the other party is sad, we accompany him by his side.
In love, what is rare and precious is that both parties are in love and appreciate each other, and both are willing to invest their time, energy and emotions in the relationship, rather than one party deliberately trying to please the other.
Relationships are constantly changing, and we need to make choices constantly. In the face of the unknown, living in the present, whether it is an active or passive choice, taking responsibility for each choice, knowing how to love yourself and others, is a sign of maturity.
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