We often see such cases in daily life or on the Internet. Many women complain that their husbands are playful, mama’s boy, lazy, bad-tempered, etc. before marriage, thinking that their husbands will change after marriage. In fact, life after marriage is even worse and a mess, and they regret choosing the wrong person.
Some emotional bloggers and female public accounts often publish such articles, telling everyone (mainly women) that choice is greater than change, and don’t dream of solving problems encountered before marriage after marriage.
So what do men think? These two cases let us see the voice of men.
01
Mr. K, with a privileged family background, a top student, a doctor from a prestigious university, works in a scientific research institution, and has started a business with others. He has just received investment from an angel fund. His wife, Xiao C, is his elementary school classmate and training teacher. They have been in love for three years and now have a lovely daughter.
In the eyes of outsiders, Mr. K is constantly moving towards the peak of his life. But Mr. K also has his own troubles: he is either cheating or on the way to cheating.
In his own words: “Maybe this track is not right at all.”
At that time, Xiao C quit her job in her hometown and accompanied him to study for a doctorate in Beijing. Mr. K graduated with a doctorate in three years and prepared to return to his hometown to develop. Xiao C followed him back to his hometown.
After the two returned to their hometown, Mr. K did not want to get married. He knew that he and Xiao C were like an old couple, and their feelings were getting weaker and weaker.
On the one hand, Mr. K was very unwilling. His education, appearance, work income, and family background were several levels higher than Xiao C. On the other hand, Xiao C had always supported him wholeheartedly in his doctoral studies, work, and entrepreneurship. If he did not get married, he could not give her and her parents an explanation.
In fact, he also had other girls he liked, but the other party had different plans for the future from him, so he did not consider her as the first choice for marriage.
Under pressure from both parents, he went to the wedding hall as scheduled. After marriage, Xiao C became pregnant and gave birth to a daughter, and Mr. K was busy starting a business. The two interacted less and less and had less and less sex.
Sure enough, he first confessed his love to a female classmate he had a crush on, but was rejected directly. Then he cheated on a female employee who was more than ten years younger than him. He was also very regretful and guilty, and was condemned by moral ethics in his heart.
After he cut off his relationship with the female employee, he still felt that he and his wife were not in love, and everything was for the sake of the children to maintain the family.
He said: “I can’t take the initiative to file for divorce. If Xiao C knew, I would leave all the houses, cars, savings and children to her. After all, she did nothing wrong.”
Facts have proved that getting married and having children did not change the essence of their feelings. In this fast-paced era, if you don’t find the person you want most and don’t change your mentality, you may end up parting ways unhappily.
02
Mr. B’s situation is just the opposite. He has been working steadily in the system, and met his wife Xiaoping through an introduction. Xiaoping’s academic qualifications, ability, income and other conditions are better.
Before marriage, Xiaoping was a very thoughtful person, and would often suggest:
“Let me travel to Europe.”
“Decorate the house again!”
“I want to invest in a dessert shop.”
Mr. B really didn’t understand Xiaoping’s strong and reckless behavior. Similarly, what Mr. B thought was a casual and ordinary life was also mediocre and uninspiring in Xiaoping’s eyes.
Mr. B thought Xiaoping would slowly change and live according to his ideas. As a result, after marriage, they were both enduring each other and became very depressed. Finally, one day, they broke out because of trivial matters between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Mr. B also reflected: There are not so many right and wrongs between people. Many relationships are about acceptance or non-acceptance, recognition or non-recognition, and agreement or non-agreement.
He believed that the relationship between him and Xiaoping was this kind of mutually non-recognition relationship, which would not last long. His approach was exactly the opposite of Mr. K’s. He had already begun to transfer his savings and stocks to his parents’ names to fight for his own interests.
Whether in love or marriage, emotional foundation is particularly important. I thought that after marriage, the relationship would be deeper and the other party would change for me. However, I didn’t know that it is difficult to change one’s nature. It is hard to change one’s nature. This difficulty can be imagined. Are emotional problems tiring? Apply for emotional diagnosis in 10 seconds! Therefore, if you choose the one that suits you, both parties will change less.
03
There is an important principle in accounting: “Substance is more important than form”: it means that enterprises should conduct accounting according to the economic substance of transactions or matters, and should not only use their legal form as the basis for accounting. If two people are together, within the framework of legal thinking, the Marriage Law can protect some of your rights in marriage, including ownership of common property, etc. However, within the framework of accounting thinking, substance is more important than form. If two people have a good relationship, they will have a good relationship whether they get married or not; if they have a bad relationship, they will have a bad relationship whether they get divorced or not. The substantive intimacy between two people will not change substantially because of a marriage certificate or a divorce certificate. Modern people should have legal thinking and accounting thinking, pay attention to substance, and don’t expect too much from form. If you want to cheat before marriage, don’t expect substantial changes after marriage and stay faithful to your partner.
Although the Marriage Law stipulates that both parties have common property ownership, when the actual relationship breaks down, the other party may transfer property during marriage.
Mr. K’s case shows that if you are not satisfied with your partner before marriage, you will not be satisfied after marriage.
Mr. B’s case tells us that if two people do not understand each other before marriage, don’t expect them to understand each other after marriage.
04
In order to avoid detours and minefields, men should pay special attention to the following points when choosing a wife. Girls should also pay attention and beware of being tricked:
1) The ending of love ≠ marriage
Adult love is to find the right person in the vast sea of people.
Many people in love only care about the opportunity cost they pay.
If the other party is the wrong person, the opportunity cost of their own payment is a “sunk cost” that is useless for decision-making. There is no need to consider it at all and they should give up decisively.
Many times, some people get married for the sake of getting married due to pressure from society, parents, relatives and friends, as well as fear of their own age.
Don’t be misled by these pressures and fears, and make a rational and responsible decision. There is no age to get married, only love to get married.
2) Don’t get married with the mentality of repaying gratitude
If you don’t love, you don’t love. Don’t think that the woman has given so much to you before, so you must repay her with your body.
If you don’t love, let go quickly, good girls are worthy of others’ love. If you don’t love, but still get married, you will eventually get divorced with your children, which is to cheat the other party and repay kindness with resentment.
Bravely admit that you don’t love, maybe the other party will be painful, maybe you have to pay a certain price, but this pain is short-lived and the price is small.
3) Pursue what you want and bear the consequences
The ideal woman for many men is the perfect superwoman who “can go to the hall, go down to the kitchen, be crazy in bed, be financially independent, and can smooth out family relationships.”
Men also know that they are not the best quality men, so why would the perfect superwoman choose themselves?
Mr. K doesn’t like Xiao C’s looks, so he can pursue a love that is equally matched, and find a partner with high looks, high education, and high income. However, the other party may not be so considerate, and will not travel through several cities to support him in his doctoral studies, work, and entrepreneurship. Instead, he needs to contribute to the family and his wife’s career.
The interaction between men and women is a flow of energy. It is impossible for each party to obtain all the energy without giving their own energy.
4) Don’t let “male chauvinism” play tricks
The “male chauvinism” here refers to the kind of thinking that is very controlling, selfish, self-centered, and face-saving.
In an intimate relationship, if a woman’s income, status, and pattern are higher than those of men, men should focus on small things, be more considerate of women, and adapt to women.
If Mr. B wants to find a capable woman like Xiaoping, he should support her to continuously expand her income and improve her quality of life. He should not enjoy the benefits brought by Xiaoping while thinking that she is always messing around.
Or, he can choose a woman who listens to him, has no pursuits like himself, and is willing to live an ordinary life.
Men should also put down their own ideological burdens and admit their “weakness”.
Choice is greater than change.
Whoever suffers, changes; whoever changes, benefits.
You should pay attention to your own thoughts and the feelings of the other person.
Every change of a person requires a strong internal motivation and the driving force of major external events. When two people encounter problems, think more about whether their choices are wrong.
If you want to take off, go to the airport or have your own private helicopter. No matter you take a speedboat or a cruise ship, no matter where you wander in the sea, the boat will never take you to fly.
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